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Those words keep playing out in my head. "And she wonders why... And thatapos;s putting it nicely" I shouldapos;ve known then that the truth was out. If I could be spoken of so carelessly to someone like that... It was obvious where I feel in the chain of things. Funny how such a simple off-hand comment can leave such a lasting bruise on me and I didnapos;t even realize it. It wasnapos;t until the end that it hit me, "you were a joke Dae." And that thought dug right in and sank its teeth into my brain and would not let go. It chewed and chewed and chewed.

Thereapos;s no way to dissect it to understand where it was coming from. It was said so it must be believed. "Bipolar and psycho." Ah but things said in anger arenapos;t meant, right? Not according to the law of that world I never belonged to. If itapos;s said in anger it must be true. So I mustapos;ve just been a psycho bipolar in that world. And I wonder why he wonapos;t see me. Well gee, I guess I donapos;t have to, do I? Because it was all answered right there. In the fit of anger the confession was made, wasnapos;t it? And somehow it took a good 8 months for the rest of it all to pan out.

All that faith and trust put in and it was for what? For what?

I donapos;t even want to release the album now. What is the point? To pay homage to something so easily dismissed by him? Something that wasnapos;t even worth a conversation over coffee? Christ, Andy and I just came into regular communication and heapos;s like "Come out and meet me for coffee when Iapos;m in Connecticut" Even though I donapos;t really care to do so because I know Iapos;m not going to be social. But this is a guy who isnapos;t in love with me (as another supposedly was) and heapos;s been all set to fucking run out here at a momentapos;s notice to hold my hand through the upcoming medical stuff. Clue me in here... Why is it that a near stranger who doesnapos;t even know my real name or ANY of my biographical history willing to do that? Maybe itapos;s because he doesnapos;t know anything about me to pass judgment on. That could be it. But no.. There are others who know more about me but less than he did and they still make the effort too. So... I guess I just donapos;t understand why and I never will.

I feel like all the hope has just bled out of me (or vomited I guess since I did that a few times) and I donapos;t even know what to think of any of this now. Were the last four years all an elaborate joke or were the feelings truly genuine? I WANT to believe the latter but how can I when I was not worth the effort in his mind? It just hurts more than I can even explain. To know that any person he knows IN person has not clocked the hours I have with him in conversation and Iapos;m not even allowed to sit down with him and talk in person. All I asked for was to be treated equally to his friends there, his friends here, his friends in London, or anywhere else for that matter. But because I fell in love with him in return when he fell in love with me, I was punished for that by being annexed from his real life.

That will never, ever make any sense and I donapos;t know what to do with what Iapos;m carrying here. What do you do with love that you have for someone that does not want it? Itapos;s not like this thing you can take back to a store. It doesnapos;t just stop because they donapos;t want it. It just sits there... And itapos;s a painful painful reminder of everything that I ever wanted and nothing that I will ever have. No matter how many others I may meet in this life... He was the one who made me feel the way that I had come to feel for him. I opened up to him. I trusted him. I gave him every bit of me I could and all I got in return were crumbs whenever he felt generous enough to give them. And even then... It would have been enough if I could have only spent some time talking to him in the real world.

Yeah yeah... "get over it Dae, itapos;s just the internet" You put four years of your life into something that means the world to you and Iapos;ll tell you that itapos;s just whatever and means nothing to me. Unless you understand it, donapos;t dismiss it and because you are not me, you will never ever understand. So let me grieve because to me, this is as bad as the death of a friend because with him gone... The void heapos;s left here is as devastating as losing someone to a death. Only this is much more difficult because I know heapos;s out there somewhere and Iapos;ll never see him and that just kills me. It really does.

Yeah... Iapos;m really a bipolar psycho arenapos;t I? I guess thatapos;s the term for someone who loves someone very much. But love isnapos;t that important is it?

I guess not.
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